Crossing Paths
by Cameron-Sholto
Summary: ON HIATUS Post-Journey   What happens when someone isn't as dead as we thought? And where did Hakkai go, anyway?  implied canon Shounen-Ai
1. The Meeting

Crossing Paths

"Well, I guess I should just call it a night," I muttered to myself. This was the third bar I'd skulked about in tonight, and it was just like all the others. The booze wasn't strong enough to make me forget why I'd come there. The women were painted up like garage sale dolls, their makeup too thick and their smiles too sad.

As a younger man, neither of these would have bothered me too much. Back then, it was all about the show, the great ironic drama of it all: that any dame would want to be with a taboo punk like me, even for a night. The booze was just for buying the women, and the women were just enough to make me feel human for a little while. And when the hangovers came and the women turned homicidal, I would just crack jokes and head out to do it all over again.

But this time, things were different. I was different. After all, once you've known heaven, it's hard to go back to hell - and harder still to like it there.

I used to say that I didn't want love, but that was a lie. I didn't know what I wanted, and love certainly seemed impossible. But someone had loved me, once. Someone had broken through the cynical, sardonic, shallow shell I hid behind and had forced me out into the world like a newborn bird.

And now that person was gone. Perhaps forever.

"Damn it," I sighed. "This really isn't getting any easier, you know."

I heard a familiar chuckle behind me and turned my head to see something I wasn't expecting.

"Hakkai?"

No. It wasn't him. _At least not unless he's taken up wearing a dress_. I smiled at this thought.

"What are you smiling at?"

The woman smiled quizzically at me, her emerald green eyes sparkling like flowing water. She twirled a strand of light brown hair between her fingers, as if unsure whether she should be talking with me.

_Smart chick, this one._

"Nothing, honey. You just reminded me of someone, that's all."

"Your girlfriend, perhaps?"

I gulped involuntarily. "N-no," I stammered, trying not to choke.

Her laugh was like that of a woodpecker, full of life and pure delight. "I'm sorry. I must have struck a nerve."

"That's ok. Though I do prefer other methods of getting my heart racing."

She blushed. "Oh really?"

"Don't worry about it, beautiful. I don't mean to offend." _Damn, I sound like him now._

She stared at me openly. "I wasn't offended. I think you're a pretty nice guy."

_And now we're friends. Great. _"I actually have a bit of a reputation as a bad boy, I'll have you know."

"Well, of course. What other kind of man hangs out in bars and flirts with married women?"

"You're married? Lucky bastard."

Her eyes grew sad. "Actually, I was married. Once. Then something terrible happened."

"I'm sorry."

She smiled. "It's not your fault. You're not the one who did it. Besides, that's why I'm here."

"To get married? Hang on, sweetheart, I don't think -"

"No, silly," she giggled. "I'm here to find out what happened to my husband, not to get a new one."

I sighed. _Awesome. The one pretty girl in this town, and she's in love with some jerk who went missing._ "Well, I know pretty much everyone in this town. What's this guy's name?"

"Cho Gonou."

I froze. _What?_


	2. Flashback: The Departure

"_Hey, Gojyo. I'm going out for a little bit."_

_I swear, Hakkai's smile could have powered the entire town as he beamed at me._

"_Yeah, sure." I muttered, my gaze returning to the cards on the table. Then I remembered._

"_Oh, and could you pick me up some more smokes?"_

_He sighed, glaring at me in disdain. "No, I can't. You're supposed to be quitting, remember? Even if you're a half-_youkai, _it's bad for your health, and I'm tired of picking your butts out of the beer cans you keep leaving scattered around." He chuckled. "But I could bring you back some of those meat buns you and Goku were always fighting over."_

"_Hakkai, you can be such a hardass sometimes, you know that?"_

_His green eyes twinkled as he smiled at me once more. "Coming from you, I'll take that as a compliment."_

_As he walked out the door, I felt a terrible sense of foreboding, a dread that clung to the pit of my stomach and ate away at me like a worm. I called after him, feeling pretty silly for doing it._

"_Oy! Hakkai! Be careful, ok?"_

_He was out of earshot by then anyway. I sighed, tossing the deck I'd been fiddling with onto the table._

When did I become such a girl?

* * *

_I didn't think about it again until that night, as I was lying alone in my bed. That uneasy feeling I had ignored all day rushed back into my veins, distilled into a pure terror._

"_Hakkai?"_

_No answer. I stood up and walked into the kitchen._

"_Hey, Hakkai, are you home yet?"_

_Still nothing. I began to pace, wondering where he could be._

_I never found out._


	3. The Woman

"Cho Gonou? Are you sure?"

"I think I know the name of my own husband, sir."

I sighed. "Sorry. It's just been a long time since I heard that name."

"So you've heard of him."

"Yeah. But I'd never heard that line about him being married." _At least not to anyone who's still alive._

She sucked in her bottom lip slightly, and I suddenly noticed how tired and worn she looked, as though she had been deprived of comfort for a long time. _I imagine I probably look about the same. _

"I'm not surprised. I always had a feeling that he was embarrassed of me."

I stared at her. "There's no way that any man would be embarrassed to be with a woman like you. He could be many other things, but never embarrassed."

She looked like she couldn't decide between crying and throwing up. Not really wanting to see either of those things happen, I sighed and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Come on. Let me take you to my place."

I smiled as her eyes widened. "Relax, honey. I wouldn't take advantage of another man's girl. Especially if I know the guy. You just look like you need a place to sleep. I've got a spare bedroom."

"Thank you."

She smiled slightly, but it was obvious that there was little happiness in her. I wondered how she'd been able to survive without him for so long. After all, if she knew him as Cho Gonou, it had to have been at least seven years.

I could barely make it through two.

We walked in silence, the woman slightly behind me as though afraid to be seen. It was a perfectly normal behavior for a chick following a strange guy home, but it struck me as something incredibly out of character for her. She seemed to me to be a very decisive woman, unashamed of pursuing her desires. After all, she had come to that bar alone. Few mild-mannered women dared to do that.

"Here we are."

I gestured at the front door of the house I had been living in. The neighborhood was a little quiet for my taste, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to move away.

* * *

"_What about this one, Gojyo?"_

"_Are you kidding? I stick out like a sore thumb here, Hakkai. And all the neighbors are in their sixties. There aren't even any hot chicks here."_

"_Well, let's just take a look inside, ok? I wonder if there's room out back for a garden. . ."_

_

* * *

_

I sighed. _What a dope._

She looked imploringly at me. "For the record, I'm not normally the sort of person who goes home with strangers."

I chuckled. "For the record, I have a habit of picking up strays."


	4. The Vision

After I had shown the lady to her room, I went to my bedside table and pulled a small silver key from the chain around my neck. Inside the drawer was a small, simple wooden box with ebony inlay, a present from that damned priest about a month ago. I crawled into bed and popped open the lid.

Inside was a little golden figure in the form of a tiny woman that seemed to glow as I held it in my hands. Sanzo had told me not to touch it, but since when had I listened to that hardass?

The figure suddenly sprang to life, laughing cheerfully. She stood up in my palm, brushing her fluid gold hair behind one ear.

"What do you want from me, master?"

"Master, huh? What are you anyway?"

She smiled. "I am one of the _Vidyadhara, _a servant of heaven. I was imprisoned in this form by Lord Gyumao over a thousand years ago in contempt of the gods. For helping me escape, I owe you a favor."

"I don't know, honey. You're a little small for what I normally have in mind when women offer me favors."

She slapped my finger, drawing blood with her metal nails.

"Ow! Damn it! What was that for?"

"I want you to pay attention. I can only give you one thing. What is your greatest desire? Surely you can't be so shallow. . ."

I laughed bitterly. "Most people would think that. But you're right. I guess if I have to ask for a favor, could you. . ."

"Yes?"

I shook my head. "It's stupid."

"If you don't want to say, I'll just have to find out." She licked at the blood she had drawn. Almost immediately, she lifted off my finger, hovering above my palm. Her body seemed to be melting into a pure silvery-golden light.

_My master. I will find for you the one that you truly love. The one who truly loves you._

The light faded, and was gone.

"What the hell was that?" I muttered. Then I rolled over and tried my best to sleep.

* * *

_I found myself in the woods, the rain soaking through my shirt and slicking my hair to my neck like a wet crimson scarf. It was dark, the overcast sky blotting out the moon. It was full tonight, though I was not sure why I knew that. It all felt painfully familiar, as if something was about to change in me forever._

_I nearly tripped over a dark mass that suddenly seemed to materialize at my feet. Cursing, I looked down, my heart growing cold. It was the body of a man, lying facedown in a puddle of blood and rainwater._

"_Poor bastard," I muttered to myself. "What a way to go." My heart was racing. _I know this scene. I've lived this before._ I shook my head. No. I probably just felt like this guy was me in a way. To live on the street was to die on the street. Like a dog. Like me._

_I toed him gently in the shoulder. "Hey. You alive?"_

_Suddenly, he shifted. A strong hand grabbed my ankle, toppling me to the ground. I cried out as I fell, reaching for my shakujo which was not there. _That's right,_ I realized. _I don't have it yet.

_Before I could defend myself, the man was on top of me, pinning me to the ground. He laughed, blood gurgling in his throat._

_The clouds cleared for a moment so the moon hit his face. I gasped._

"_It's you! Where have you been? Why are you doing this?"_

_Hakkai smiled, his face half-rotted away to reveal his jaw beneath, a sickening grin. His hands tightened around my throat with superhuman strength, crushing my windpipe. As I rasped, fighting for air, his bright green eyes flashed with excitement and something even more dangerous. Love._

"_What the hell is your problem?"_

"_Gojyo, you have to stop looking for me. This is your last warning. Try again and I will have no choice but to destroy you."_


	5. The Beginning

"Gojyo! Hey, Gojyo! Wake up!"

I opened my eyes to see the woman again, standing over my bed. I started, reaching around for my shakujo.

"What do you want?" I hissed, brandishing the weapon.

She stared at me, those damned green eyes wide with confusion and terror. "I … I - You were crying out in your sleep and I - sorry."

I sighed, flopping back onto the bed. "Damn. I guess all those years on the road made me a little bit jumpy. Sorry for scaring you."

"That's alright." She smiled warmly at me, once again reminding me of him. "I'm just glad to see you're ok."

"Am I?" I stared up at her, uncharacteristically open. _I don't ever let a woman see me looking this pathetic._ "I don't even know any more."

She sat down on the foot of the bed, placing her delicate hand on my arm. "You can talk to me. I'm a good listener."

I shook my head. "I'm not sure you'd believe me if I told you, ya know?"

"Try me."

"Fine." I sat up in bed, leaning back against the wall. "It all started seven years ago, when I nearly tripped over a body in the rain. . ."

* * *

"_Hey, Hakkai! Let's go get something to eat, ok?"_

_He chuckled, fluffing the stupid monkey's hair. "Ok, Goku. But it's Sanzo's treat this time."_

_The blonde priest glared at him. "Like hell."_

"_But Sanzo, I'm hungry!"_

"_No, Goku. Not if I have to feed these dumbasses as well."_

_I threw myself across the room at him. "You bastard! We wouldn't be asking for you to grace us with your company if you'd bothered to pay us for that last artifact!"_

_Suddenly, two hollow steel shafts were staring me directly in the eyes._

"_Do you want to run that by me again?"_

_I gulped. "No. That's ok."_

_Hakkai's throaty laugh punctuated my humiliation. I glared at him._

"_It's settled then. Let's go get some Chinese food, ok Goku?"_

"_YEAH!"_

_I slinked behind the group, my hands buried deep in my pockets. Another long week of brawls and bars and illegal antiques dealers. It was getting monotonous. Why couldn't the damn priest do his own dirty work?_

"_Are you ok, Gojyo?"_

_Hakkai had fallen back beside me, a look of concern on his face._

_I flashed him one of my award-winning smiles. "Yep. All's right with the world. Why do you ask?"_

_He stopped, staring at me. "Why do you always do that?"_

"_Do what?"_

_He turned away. "Nothing. I just . . . wish you'd be honest with me, that's all."_

_As he began to walk back towards our house, I spun around and grabbed his arm. "Hakkai -"_

_He slapped my hand away. "Let go, Gojyo."_

"_Like hell. I'm not letting you go anywhere in a funk like this!" I closed the gap between us, wrapping my arms around his slight frame. "I'm fine, you dumbass. I was just bored, ok?"_

_He sighed in relief, returning the embrace. "Good. I thought you were mad at me. I'd been so caught up in my own drama that I hadn't really been thinking about you. I'm such an idiot."_

"_No you're not." I let go of him, smiling affectionately. "Now let's get going before that stupid chimp eats all the egg rolls."_

_

* * *

_

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Sorry for the delay! I was going through a bit of a funk myself! I'll finish this story by the end of the week, I promise!  
_


	6. The Letter

She smiled at me when I had finished my story: how the four of us had gone to the west to stop the resurrection of Gyumaoh, how afterwards we had returned to our life in Chang'an , trying to pretend that the journey hadn't changed us.

In a way, it hadn't. That stupid monkey was still a bottomless pit, the monk still had an enormous stick up his ass, and Hakkai? Insufferable as always. But something was different. It was subtle at first, but I know we all felt it. As the months went by, Sanzo and Goku had retreated farther from the public eye, and we saw them less and less. I stopped going to bars as much. It just wasn't any fun without the others. And Hakkai seemed to, well. . . he smiled a lot less.

I sighed, closing my eyes and shaking my head.

"I don't understand it, ya know? I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the cheese, but the whole thing makes no sense."

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I stiffened under the unexpected touch, relaxing slowly as I realized she wasn't doing anything else.

"You loved him, didn't you?"

The question wasn't unexpected, but I still wasn't going to enjoy answering it.

She sighed. "There's no use denying it, Gojyo. I could tell you were suffering from the moment we met. I guess you could say," she whispered in my ear, "that we are the same, you and I."

"How's that?"

"Because, we're both left in the aftermath of that selfishly selfless man."

She let me go and walked to the door. As she crossed the threshold, I could hear her chuckle bitterly under her breath.

I sighed, flopping onto my back. _The same? I can't believe that. No one's as screwed up as me. I'm the one still clinging to the hope that he'll come back._

I watched the sunbeams flicker on the ceiling, thinking about nothing for a brief moment in time. Just wasting my life again. Was this how things were gonna be from now on? Did I really want to go back to those days? Did I have a choice?

She slipped back into the room wordlessly, like a phantom of the man I had known. Thinking I was asleep, she slid a weathered envelope onto the table beside me.

"I found this last night," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

Then she was gone.

* * *

_My Dearest Friend,_

_If I could write down every thought that springs to mind when I am lying sleepless in bed, I know without a doubt that the overwhelming majority would be of you. Perhaps I've been an idiot to think that I can spend my life hiding behind this façade, pretending that there is nothing bothering me. I tell myself that you need me to be strong, even though I know that you were taking care of yourself long before we met and will probably do fine if I leave._

_There are times when it gets so bad that I can barely breathe for wanting to be close to you, to be loved by you. And knowing that I am at least in some ways dear to you makes that longing infinitely worse. I want so badly to hide myself away and never say another word to you. But I feel trapped by my desire to please you, to be near you, so I stay by your side waiting for those happy moments when I can make you smile. I live for those moments. And when the weeks pass quickly as melting ice, time seems to slow in those moments when I wait to hear something, anything from you._

_This is killing me. And it needs to stop._

_But it needs to go on forever. I am not a slave, but I would give half my soul to make your world brighter. You seem to think my presence does that, so I remain. I am an artist, and this delicate dance of surrender is my medium. I can never quite relinquish my control, or the entire thing will go up in flames. I can never have complete control, or I will lose you forever by making you a plaything. The subtle line I walk can never be crossed, and the pain of it all is the beauty and truth I must uphold._

_I have made my decision, then. One way or another, by the time you read this, I will have found a way to escape. It will not be by death. I am too strong to take the coward's road. But you must know that it will be painful, probably for both of us. There is no helping that now. Hopefully all this will fade. If not, I pray that you will not think less of me by the conclusion of this letter._

_Yours Forever,_

_Cho Hakkai_


End file.
